Om But Why? Real talk on messy minds, and messier systems
Welcome to But Why? — real talk on messy minds and messier systems.
Hosted by two psychologists, Kristin and Laura, we dive deep into the psychology of human experience: from mental health and identity to power, culture, and the systems that shape our lives.
Expect thoughtful conversations, critical questions, and honest reflections on how people—and the world—really work. No self-help platitudes. No easy answers. Just meaningful, accessible dialogue for curious minds.
Topics we explore:
• Psychology and mental health
• Identity, feminism, and culture
• Neurodivergence and lived experience
• Systemic power and social change
New episodes every week. Subscribe to join the conversation.
#PsychologyPodcast #MentalHealth #CultureAndIdentity #RealTalkPodcast
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But Why Does Christmas Feel So Bittersweet? | Part 2: Why the Holidays Burn Us Out (00:55:02)
In Part 2 of our holiday series, Kristin and Laura peel back the glitter to talk about the real stress under the tinsel...from sensory overload and grief to the gendered emotional labour that keeps the “magic” going.
We unpack:
Why the holidays feel more emotionally intense than joyful
How old family roles resurface and trap us in the past
The link between perfectionism, people-pleasing, and identity
The hidden burnout of autistic masking in social settings
Why "relaxing" actually feels harder than just keeping busy
Drawing on lived experience, feminist psychology, and neurodivergent perspectives, this episode makes space for anyone who’s ever felt overwhelmed by a season that’s supposed to feel special.
It’s not just you. And no, it doesn’t make you a Grinch.
Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Does Christmas Feel So Bittersweet? | Part 1: Nostalgia, Identity & Holiday Expectations (01:04:11)
In Part 1 of our holiday series, we deck the halls...and then unpack why it never quite feels the way it used to.
Kristin and Laura get reflective (and slightly existential) about the bittersweet nature of Christmas nostalgia:Why does the run-up feel more magical than the day itself? Why do we cling to rituals even when they’re imperfect? And why does trying to recreate the past sometimes leave us feeling… worse?
From the psychology of memory to neurodivergent holiday burnout, we unpack:
• Why nostalgia shapes our identity (and why we chase it)• How memory editing gives us that “golden” Christmas feeling• The emotional power of rituals, repetition, and stocking routines• Why Christmas films hit so hard...and sometimes disappoint• The grief of changing roles and lost traditions• Gendered labour, family expectations, and “mum is the magic”• Why childhood joy can feel both comforting and out of reach
This isn’t a Hallmark episode — but it is an honest one. With stories, psychology, and just enough glitter.
Bonus: Secret Santas, spy gadgets, and cream cheese + hot chocolate (trust us).
But Why is Politics so Messy? | Part 3: Psychology and the Politics of Resistance (01:15:42)
In Part 3 of our But Why is Politics so Messy? series, we close with the big one: What can we actually do?
After breaking down how people get pulled into harmful political narratives, Kristin and Laura flip the lens to explore how we resist authoritarianism without losing our minds (or ourselves).
Together, we unpack:
• Why people don’t believe things because they’re true, they believe them because it feels safer• How authoritarianism weaponises shame, fear, and our need to belong• The psychological tools that keep us stuck (denial, fatalism, moral panic, "I'm not political")• What makes people actually change (spoiler: it’s not facts)• Why rest can be resistance — and also a strategy!• How to speak up without a 2-hour debate• How to know who’s worth your energy
This is a no-nonsense, deeply reflective, very human conversation about how to keep your clarity, your capacity, and your community in the face of rising extremism.
✨ “If you have control over the narrative, you have power.” “You can’t reflect your way out of fascism.”Socials and Links: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why is Politics so Messy? | Part 2: The Myth of the Rational Voter (with Keegan Tatum) (01:24:23)
In Part 2 of our Messy Politics series, Kristin and Laura are joined by political psychology creator Keegan Tatum to unpack why logic rarely drives political decision-making...and why it’s actually our emotions that vote first.
We explore the myth of the rational voter and ask:
Why people stay loyal to systems that hurt them
How disgust, shame, and fear fuel the right
What motivates the “I don’t do politics” crowd
The psychology of authoritarianism and denial
Why women and neurodivergent people are often seen as a threat
How hierarchy and identity shape our beliefs — and our blindspots
Whether political empathy is even possible (or useful)
This episode is packed with personal stories, critical theory, and darkly funny tangents, from autism and socialisation to collective narcissism and the illusion of free will.
“People don’t believe things because they’re true. They believe them because it feels safer to.”
If you’ve ever wondered why facts don’t change minds — this one’s for you.
Keegan's Socials:Insta: https://www.instagram.com/keegantatum?igsh=MTl6ZTVxbnUwN2U5Nw==Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@keegantatum?_r=1&_t=ZN-91VCw0V8XMEOur Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why is Politics so Messy? | Part 1: The Psychology of Political Paralysis (01:08:53)
Part 1 of our new series: But Why is Politics so Messy?In a world on fire, why do so many people double down, look away…or stay stuck?
In this episode, Kristin and Laura explore the psychology of political identity and why some people cling to harmful ideologies while others retreat into silence, shock, or denial.From Terror Management Theory to psychological flexibility, we unpack how identity, fear, and social safety shape what we believe, and why it’s so hard to change.
This episode breaks down:
The difference between denial, ambivalence, and complicity
Why some people become radicalised and others stay silent
The myth of neutrality (spoiler: objectivity is a political position)
How systems reward disengagement and punish empathy
The emotional exhaustion of being engaged, and why rest is a privilege
We also introduce our new model of “political stuckness”: a framework to understand how people stay passive, reactive, or comfortable while harm accelerates.
Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed, angry, burnt out, or just trying to understand how we got here, this series is for you.
Social media: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
If you'd like to catch up on Keegan's content before next week: https://www.instagram.com/keegantatum?igsh=MTl6ZTVxbnUwN2U5Nw==
But Why Do We Create Monsters? | Part 3: Fear, Projection & the Psychology of Horror (00:55:16)
Part 3 of our Halloween series: Monsters as Mirrors If monsters reflect our fears, what does it say that we keep making them?
In this final episode of our Halloween trilogy, Kristin and Laura dig deep into the psychology of monstering, from ancient instincts to modern media. We explore how and why the human brain was built to see monsters...and why we still crave them.
From evolutionary survival mechanisms to existential dread, we unpack:
How fear comes first and logic comes later
Why we invent monsters to make sense of chaos
The role of projection, displacement, and group fear
Monsters as scapegoats for guilt, anxiety, and social control
Why we use horror to feel safe, bonded, and in control
How neurodivergent brains might experience monsters differently
What our favourite monsters reveal about our politics, culture & inner selves
This episode blends cognitive science, social psychology, existential theory, and lived experience into a final idea: our monsters are more human than we think...and so are we.
But Why Do We Create Monsters? | Part 2: Witches, Werewolves & the Cultural Fear Machine (00:59:55)
️ Part 2 of our Halloween series: Monsters as Mirrors ️If today’s monsters reflect modern fears…what were we afraid of 500 years ago?
In this time-travelling episode, Kristin and Laura head back to the past to ask: where did our monsters come from, and what were they covering up?
From witch trials to mummies, this episode unpacks:
Why werewolves symbolised the “untamed man”
Why vampires became sexualised aristocrats
How zombies reflect fears of slavery, exploitation, and soulless labor
Why Frankenstein is really about abandonment, control, and man-made monsters
How the fear of women’s knowledge shaped the witch hunts
Why the empire was haunted by the mummy’s curse
With just enough disgust psychology, imperialist critique, and literary nerdery to keep it weird, this episode explores how each monster reveals what power wanted to hide.
But Why Do We Create Monsters? | Part 1: Fear, Power & Projection in the Modern Age (00:50:34)
This is Part 1 of our special Halloween series: Monsters as Mirrors
What if our monsters say more about us than them?
In this episode, Kristin and Laura explore how monsters are a social mirror...a way for powerful systems to project fear, control bodies, and avoid accountability. From witches to AI, we unpack how "the monster" is used to enforce social boundaries, uphold hierarchies, and distract from systemic rot.
We dive into:
Why power needs monsters
The psychology of disgust, projection, and containment
The “gendered monster” (hello, feminazi, hysteric, witch)
The monstering of trans people in today’s culture wars
Immigration panic as moral drama
Why it’s not AI we should fear, but who’s controlling it
Monster narratives in Harry Potter, Stranger Things, Beauty & the Beast, and more
This is a funny, furious, psychologically rich dive into how systems displace blame, turn people into problems, and manufacture fear to maintain control.
But Why Are Women Falling Down the Rabbit Hole? | Part 3: Shame, Identity & The Exit From the Alt-Right Pipeline (00:56:51)
In the final episode of our alt-right pipeline series, we explore what happens after the soft aesthetics and curated control stop working. Kristin and Laura dig into the messy, often shame-filled reality of trying to leave a system that promised empowerment and control, but in reality, delivers performance, exhaustion, obedience, and even harm.
We unpack:
Why leaving can feel like an identity collapse
The shame, grief, and cognitive dissonance that keep people stuck
How privilege, power, and proximity to safety work in subtle ways
The psychological withdrawal of leaving a “safe” space
Why wellness aesthetics, obedience, and beauty are never neutral
How to rebuild after complicity, and what real empowerment looks like
This episode is about the exit phase and the fear, backlash, and even shame that comes with it. Because leaving is hard, but staying silent costs more.
But Why Are Women Falling Down the Rabbit Hole? | Part 2: Wellness, Language & the Alt-Right Pipeline for Women (00:59:56)
In Part 2 of our series on the alt-right pipeline for women, we explore how wellness aesthetics and therapeutic language become tools of discipline, not liberation.
Kristin and Laura dissect the soft side of authoritarianism - how empowerment becomes obedience, rest becomes performance, and the internet whispers: “Shh, just be palatable.”
✨ This episode unpacks:
The rise of the “soft girl era” and why it feels so good
How language like “divine feminine” & “high value woman” bypasses critical thought
Performative healing and the pressure to be beautiful, agreeable, and obedient
Why white femininity is positioned as almost powerful, and how that keeps us compliant
Capitalism, shame, and the weaponisation of lifestyle content
Personal reflections on burnout, skincare, and craving control in a chaotic world
We also talk through the Charlie Kirk aftermath and how authoritarian systems use language to consolidate power, reframe critique as violence, and shame us into silence.
It’s not just “tradwives” and Pinterest boards, it’s about who gets to feel safe in the system, and why the algorithm keeps pulling us back in.
But Why Are Women Falling Down the Rabbit Hole? | Part 1: Femininity, Fear & the Alt-Right Pipeline (01:14:22)
In Part 1 of our three-part series, Kristin, Laura, and special guest Jess Britvich explore how women are being pulled into the alt-right — not with overt violence, but with pastel aesthetics, self-help promises, and weaponised femininity.
Together, we explore:• How tradwife culture makes patriarchy look like wellness• Why the pipeline starts with fear, loneliness, and control• The role of aesthetics, algorithms, and “just asking questions”• What it costs to be palatable, agreeable, and silent• The link between white feminism, beauty politics & authoritarian 'vibes'
This is about how systems sell us safety by asking us to shrink back into 'acceptable' roles...and how easy it is to disappear down the rabbit hole, one soft pink post at a time.
Jess's Socials: https://linktr.ee/jessbritvich?utm_source=linktree_profile_share<sid=50dcf621-7f0a-47ae-bc3f-d35b6900f570
But Why Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Is My Brain So Overwhelmed? | The Psychology of Sensory Processing and Sensory Stress (00:52:13)
Sometimes it's the spoon scraping the bowl. Or the tag on your shirt. Or the wind in your ears. And suddenly...it's all too much.
In this episode, Kristin and Laura unpack the messy, invisible world of sensory stress and how it shapes daily life for many people (often neurodivergent). From autistic shutdowns to ADHD overstimulation, they explore why modern environments are hostile to our nervous systems, and what it means to live in a world not built for your brain.
They dig into:• What sensory stress really is, and why it's not “just being sensitive”• The difference between ADHD and autistic sensory experiences• Guilt, shame & why masking becomes a survival tool• Why seemingly small things can lead to big crashes• How to recognise, respect, and respond to sensory needs in yourself and others
This is a call to stop pathologising sensory needs, start redesigning our environments, and finally ask: what if the world is just too loud and we weren’t meant to tolerate it?
But Why Are Men Fighting Gorillas? | Masculinity, Burnout & the Myth of Invulnerability (01:08:18)
What do silverback gorillas, burnout, and barstool bravado have in common? More than you think.
In this brilliantly bizarre episode, Kristin and Laura are joined by psychologist and burnout researcher Dr. Pete Olusoga to unpack why 100 men vs 1 gorilla became a cultural obsession — and what it reveals about masculinity, performance, and emotional repression.
Together, they unpack:• The “alpha male” myth and its viral appeal• Why masculinity feels performative, fragile, and exhausting• The psychology of burnout and who it’s selling out• What TikTok fitness bros and Jordan Peterson have in common• Why being “a real man” might just burn you out
From the manosphere to the therapist’s couch, this is a wild ride through memes, masculinity, and what it really means to be resilient.
Spoiler: You don’t need to fight a gorilla to prove your worth.
Pete's Details:
Insta: @dr_pete_olusoga / @eightypercentmental
TikTok: @dr_pete_olusoga
Web: www.eightypercentmental.com
But Why Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Are We Always Trying to Fix Ourselves? | Self-Improvement, Burnout & Capitalism in Disguise (01:03:28)
From sleep scores to step counts, even our joy is being tracked. But who is all this “self-improvement” really for?
In this episode, Kristin and Laura ask what happens when being human stops being the goal and starts being a problem to fix. They unpack the rise of over-optimization, how capitalism convinced us we’re machines, and why even therapy isn’t safe from performance culture. Together, they explore:• The history of optimization — from factory floors to Fitbits• Why rest, joy, and creativity feel “unproductive”• How wellness culture became capitalism in disguise• Why therapy doesn’t work when it mimics the systems we’re trying to survive• How to reclaim unoptimized joy, boredom, and being for the sake of being
This is a call to step off the treadmill, turn off the tracker, and return to what makes us human. Even if it’s messy. Especially because it’s messy.
Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Do We Get So Defensive? | Shame, Identity & The Psychology Behind the Pushback (01:18:35)
From “not all men” to “I was just joking,” defensiveness is everywhere. But what’s really going on underneath?
In this episode, Kristin and Laura unpack the psychology of defensiveness - how it protects us, how it shows up in everyday interactions, and how it connects to deeper systems of power. With stories about awkward meetings, parenting, and fragile masculinity, they explore:• Why our brains go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn• The difference between guilt and shame (and why it matters)• How whiteness, masculinity, and identity get tangled in pushback• Why vulnerability is framed as weakness, and who benefits• What defensiveness looks like in relationships, work, and culture
This is a compassionate but clear-eyed conversation about why being wrong feels so threatening — and what’s possible when we pause, get curious, and choose accountability instead.
Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Are Men Falling for This? | The Psychology of the Manosphere, Misogyny & Modern Masculinity (01:36:08)
In this special guest episode, Kristin and Laura are joined by Oliver Niehaus to explore why so many men and boys are being pulled into the Manosphere.
From red pill influencers to anti-intellectual rants and fragile masculinity, we unpack:• Why the manosphere sells grievance disguised as growth• How patriarchy harms men — and why they struggle to admit it• The role of loneliness, algorithms, and masculinity myths• The difference between accountability and shame• How fear of women’s power fuels cultural backlash
With personal stories, critical insight, and plenty of systemic analysis, this episode dives deep into what happens when culture tells men they’re owed something — and robs them of connection instead.Spoiler: they’re being sold a lie. And it’s costing everyone.
You can find Oliver on Youtube @oliverniehaus, Instagram @olivermniehaus, and TikTok @oliver.niehaus
As always, head to our linktree for the podcast and Kristin and Laura's socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Is Joy "Basic" for Women? | Gendered Taste, Cultural Shame & Internalized Misogyny (01:09:05)
In this thought-provoking episode, Kristin and Laura ask why women’s joy so often gets dismissed as “basic.” From Taylor Swift fandoms to fantasy novels, they unpack the deep psychological roots of how gendered taste is constructed—and why we feel guilty for what we love.
They dive into:• Why "guilty pleasures" are a feminist issue• The Enlightenment origins of the gender binary• How cultural legitimacy is shaped by patriarchy• The impact of internalized misogyny on hobbies and identity• Personal stories of navigating shame, taste, and authenticity
This episode is a celebration of reclaiming joy, challenging cultural scripts, and asking: what if liking what we like was radical?
But Why Are Boys Turning to Misogyny? | Masculinity, Media & the World of Adolescence (01:10:05)
In this episode, Kristin and Laura take a psychological deep dive into Netflix’s Adolescence, a gripping series that explores how one teenage boy ends up committing an unthinkable act. But instead of focusing on who did it, the show—and this conversation—asks why.
Together, we explore:
• What incel culture is and how boys are drawn into it
• The role of social media, masculinity myths, and loneliness
• How families and schools can better support emotional growth
• Why girls' safety is still treated as secondary
• The emotional toll of being unheard—for everyone
This episode is about more than one story. It’s about the cultural conditions we’ve created—and the conversations we still need to have.
Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Is Sport Still Built for Men? | How History, Media & Misogyny Keep Women Out (00:58:01)
From Yorkie bars to Olympic podiums, women in sport have always faced more than just the competition. In this episode, Kristin and Laura explore how sport has been systematically shaped to exclude women — and how this exclusion is still happening today.
From overt bans in the 20th century to TikTok trolls and pay gaps in 2025, we unpack:
• Why women were banned from football and basketball for decades
• How media growth aligned with shutting women out of sport
• The myth of “no one watches women’s sport” — and why it's wrong
• Why misogyny thrives in comment sections and boardrooms alike
• What it means to play, coach, and exist in systems never built for you This is a call to name the backlash for what it is — and to keep showing up anyway.
Because every time women step onto the field, they’re doing more than playing. They’re refusing to disappear.
Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Does Progress Always Scare Them? | A Backlash History of Women’s Rights (01:10:47)
From bicycles to boardrooms, women’s progress has always triggered backlash.
In this episode, Kristin and Laura trace a powerful throughline across 140 years of history — showing how each leap forward for women has been met with a push to drag them back.
We unpack:
• Why “bicycle face” was invented to stop women riding freely
• How 1950s housewives were drugged into compliance
• The flapper, the feminist, and the fear of female autonomy
• How sport, beauty, and motherhood became tools of control
• The resurgence of incel culture and tradwives in today’s algorithmic patriarchy
From hysterical diagnoses to TikTok misogyny, this episode asks: What are they really so afraid of? And why does our joy, our freedom, and our power keep becoming the battleground?
Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Don’t We Feel Motivated? | Self-Determination Theory, Burnout & the Myth of Willpower (01:12:27)
Is it burnout, is it capitalism, or are you just lazy? (Spoiler: it’s not the last one.)
In this episode, Kristin and Laura unpack what motivation actually is — and why we keep expecting ourselves to push through exhaustion like it’s a personal failure. Guided by Self-Determination Theory (SDT), they explore:
• The difference between high vs low quality motivation
• Why guilt and shame don't lead to lasting change
• How our basic psychological needs shape behavior
• What happens when society conflicts with human motivation
• Neurodivergence, hyperfocus, and demand avoidance
From dishwasher-loading rules to existential dread and fascism, it’s all here. If you’ve ever wondered why you “just can’t make yourself do it,” this episode offers answers — and maybe a little permission to be kinder to yourself.
Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Are We Still Getting Sport So Wrong? | Myths, Misogyny & the Stories Women Aren’t Telling (01:11:27)
In this episode, Kristin and Laura are joined by Amy and Jen to unpack their latest books Myths of Sport Performance and Women Working in Sport.
From gender bias in coaching to the emotional toll of surviving male-dominated spaces, we explore:
• Why performance myths won’t die — and who profits when they stay alive • The gap between academia and social media “truths”
• What’s missing from mainstream conversations about equity in sport
• Pregnancy, performance, and invisible barriers
• Why women still leave sport — and what happens when we stay
It’s part myth-busting, part storytelling, and all truth. Because women working in sport are not new — we’ve just never been listened to.
Socials/Links: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
Myths of Sport Performance: https://www.sequoia-books.com/catalog/sport/
But Why Don’t Resolutions Work? | Goal Setting, Burnout & Being Kinder to Ourselves (01:02:28)
It’s our holiday party and we’re breaking down the science (and the BS) of New Year’s resolutions — all while sipping wine, comparing tattoos, and trying not to set anything on fire.
In this festive-but-serious episode, Kristin and Laura explore:• Why so many resolutions fall apart by February• How to make goals that actually work for you• The psychology behind outcome, process, and open goals• What neurodivergence, shame, and survival mode have to do with “laziness”• Why self-acceptance — not pressure — is the key to real change
It’s part party, part pep talk, part therapy. Settle in with your weirdest wine glass, grab a snack you love, and remember: you’re not lazy. You’re tired, human, and trying your best.
Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Is Burnout Different for Us? | Autism, ADHD & the Cost of Hiding Who We Are (01:15:50)
In this follow-up to our general burnout episode, Kristin and Laura explore what burnout looks like through a neurodivergent lens — and why it so often goes unrecognised, misdiagnosed, or misunderstood.
Between chaotic mornings, ADHD hyperfocus, executive dysfunction, and autistic masking, we unpack:• What autistic and ADHD burnout really feel like• The difference between executive dysfunction and laziness• Why burnout in neurodivergent people is often mistaken for depression or anxiety• How gender roles, stigma, and social expectations shape late diagnoses• What it means to rest, recover, and set boundaries that actually work
It’s part research, part lived experience, and all honesty — with a few chaotic tangents and candle mishaps along the way. You’re not broken. You’re burnt out. And you’re not alone.
Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
But Why Are We All Burnt Out? | The Psychology, Politics & Pressure Behind Exhaustion (01:10:36)
We were going to do something light and fun. But then… we remembered we’re burnt out.
In this episode, Kristin and Laura explore the complex emotional, physical, and political layers of burnout — not just as a personal feeling, but as a symptom of the systems we live in. Between rainbow sightings, chaotic dog farts, and some very real science, we unpack:• What burnout really is (and why most people don’t know)• How capitalism, patriarchy, and perfectionism fuel exhaustion• Why women experience burnout more — and feel guiltier for it• The toxic myth of "time management" as a fix-all• What rest actually looks like across different neurotypes
This is not a productivity episode. It’s a psychological deep-dive into why we’re all so tired, and what it might take to step off the treadmill — even just a little.
Socials: https://linktr.ee/butwhy.pod
