Om Anxious Attachment Solution: Taking Back Her Brain with Love Life Coach Amber Lynn
I am Life Coach Amber Lynn and I help women understand their anxious attachment and stop it's cycle so that they can take back control over their life. In my podcast I talk about how I use self coaching, and Life Coaching tools to understand, soothe and manage my anxious attachment so that you can use these tools too.
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The Inner Child Behind the Anxiety: Meet Her, Give Her What She Needs (00:29:37)
In today’s episode, we explore how unmet childhood needs shape the beliefs and nervous system patterns that still influence our adult relationships—especially for those with anxious attachment. I break down how these early experiences create hypervigilance, people-pleasing, emotional overwhelm, and a chronic sense of needing to earn love, and how we can begin to rewire these patterns with compassion and consistency.As children, many of us adapted to unpredictable environments by scanning for danger, managing the emotions of others, and becoming “what was needed” to stay connected. This created a foundation of beliefs like love comes and goes, I’m too much, I have to be perfect, and connection is fragile. Our nervous system learned to brace for abandonment, silence emotions, or cling for safety. These patterns now show up as overthinking, strong emotional reactions, fear of conflict, and choosing familiar but emotionally inconsistent partners.Healing begins with meeting the inner child within us—the part of us still seeking safety, attunement, and unconditional love. We learn to show up for ourselves with curiosity instead of judgment, compassion instead of shame. We begin practicing new beliefs like: Love can stay. My emotions make sense. I am safe. I do not have to earn love. As we rebuild self-trust and develop emotional attunement with ourselves first, our nervous system slowly learns that discomfort doesn’t equal danger.We also talk about the need for safety before independence: many anxiously attached adults were never consistently soothed as children, so self-regulation feels overwhelming. By offering ourselves reassurance and grounding first, we teach the body that emotions are safe to feel—and possible to regulate.If you’re in a healthy relationship, your partner can support this healing by offering simple reassurance during conflict, understanding that your reactions come from old patterns rather than current reality, and giving you space to regulate without interpreting it as withdrawal.Ultimately, anxious attachment patterns are not character flaws—they’re survival strategies your younger self learned. With consistency, emotional attunement, and new supportive beliefs, you can rewire these patterns and create secure, enduring love within yourself and in your relationships.📩 Work With MeYou don’t have to do this work alone! ✨ Schedule a FREE 1-hour consultation → amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com ✨ Join my 12-week coaching program to stop your anxious attachment cycle, build confidence, and finally feel secure in your relationships and life.Links and Resources:Get my free Guide: Calming Your Anxious AttachmentLinktree to all things happening now: https://linktr.ee/takingbackherbrainLet’s Connect:Join my Free Facebook Pop Up Coaching GroupFollow me on instagram: @anxiousattachmentsolutionFollow me on Facebook: Anxious Attachment Solution Life Coach AmberFollow me on substack: @takingbacherbraincoachingEmail me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com for a free one hour consultation
Anxious Attachment Sabotage: How Attachment Shapes the Way You Connect (00:19:00)
Hello — I’m Amber Lynn, host of The Anxious Attachment Solution. I help women calm their nervous systems, rewire anxious patterns, stop overthinking, and build secure habits using my Secure Method. Today we’re unpacking how anxious attachment is shaped by the beliefs we hold about love — and how those beliefs keep us stuck.Beliefs form when we repeat thoughts until they feel true. If you grew up with inconsistent or emotionally immature caregivers, you learned survival beliefs: “I must be perfect to be loved,” “Love is conditional,” “People can’t be trusted.” Those beliefs create feelings (unworthy, fearful, anxious) that hijack your nervous system and drive survival behaviors: clinging, panic in conflict, people-pleasing, and chronic self-doubt. The result? Relationships that feel intense, uncertain, and conditional — even when your partner says they love you.Examples: if you believe you’re “hard to love,” a simple request from a partner can trigger catastrophic meaning-making — overthinking, emotional flooding, and a big reaction that doesn’t match the situation. That’s your nervous system protecting the child version of you who learned love had to be earned.The good news: beliefs are just practiced thoughts. You can intentionally choose new thoughts that build safety. Practice noticing the old belief, pausing, and asking: What would I think if I believed love was unconditional, reliable, or easy? Write those new thoughts down and repeat them on purpose.Reflection prompts: • What belief about love is driving my biggest reactions? • How would I show up differently if I felt love was safe and unconditional? • What new thought can I practice today to build a new belief?You can retrain your mind: pause, process emotions, and choose thoughts that create safety. You deserve unconditional love — starting with the way you treat yourself.📩 Work With MeYou don’t have to do this work alone! ✨ Schedule a FREE 1-hour consultation → amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com ✨ Join my 12-week coaching program to stop your anxious attachment cycle, build confidence, and finally feel secure in your relationships and life.Links and Resources:Get my free Guide: Calming Your Anxious AttachmentLinktree to all things happening now: https://linktr.ee/takingbackherbrainLet’s Connect:Follow me on instagram: @anxiousattachmentsolutionFollow me on Facebook: Anxious Attachment Solution Life Coach AmberFollow me on substack: @takingbacherbraincoachingEmail me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com for a free one hour consultation
How to stop the “Anxiety Spiral” in Dating & Relationships (00:17:38)
Stop the Spiral: Rewiring the Anxious Attachment Mind💬 Episode Notes:In this week’s episode of The Anxious Attachment Solution, I’m diving into how to stop your anxiety spiral—the loop of thoughts, panic, and reactivity that keeps you stuck in your anxious attachment cycle.If you’ve ever found yourself overthinking, spiraling after a text, or needing constant reassurance, this episode will help you understand why it happens and how to start changing it.You’ll learn:How your brain’s survival wiring (fight, flight, or freeze) fuels anxious attachment.Why your triggers feel like danger, even when they’re not.How your beliefs about worthiness, love, and trust shape your reactions.The power of awareness—the first step in my Secure Method—to rewire your mind for calm and security.How to create new, believable thoughts that help you develop secure self-worth—one thought at a time.This episode will help you start identifying the stories your brain has been telling you for years—and give you the tools to begin rewriting them.Because when you learn to pause, question your thoughts, and self-soothe, you stop fueling the spiral and start becoming your most secure self.✨ Listen now to learn how awareness and intentional thought work can help you stop your anxious spiral and create the love and stability you’ve always wanted.📩 Work With MeYou don’t have to do this work alone! ✨ Schedule a FREE 1-hour consultation → amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com ✨ Join my 12-week coaching program to stop your anxious attachment cycle, build confidence, and finally feel secure in your relationships and life.Links and Resources:Get my free Guide: Calming Your Anxious AttachmentLinktree to all things happening now: https://linktr.ee/takingbackherbrainLet’s Connect:Follow me on instagram: @anxiousattachmentsolutionFollow me on Facebook: Anxious Attachment Solution Life Coach AmberFollow me on substack: @takingbacherbraincoachingEmail me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com for a free one hour consultation
How to Communicate when Triggered (00:23:35)
Hello and welcome to The Anxious Attachment Solution — I’m Amber Lynn. In this episode I walk you through what happens inside your brain when anxious attachment is activated, how that creates reactive patterns, and (most importantly) a simple, repeatable framework to communicate clearly so you don’t add fuel to the fire.What we coverWhy triggers turn into survival mode (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) and how that creates drama, blame, and miscommunication.The difference between reality and the story your anxious brain makes up about your partner.A practical, step-by-step practice: PAUSE → REFLECT → REGULATE → RECONNECT → REPAIR (how to actually use it in the moment).Exact words and short scripts you can say to your partner when you notice a big reaction — examples you can personalize.How to rebuild trust with yourself (so you rely less on your partner to soothe you) and speed up repair when you do react.Key takeawaysAwareness is the first act of power: name the trigger before you act.Your partner is not responsible for fixing your inner story — you are.Ask for space without abandoning the conversation: explain you’ll step away to process and come back.Practice short regulating tools (walk, cold water, journal, breath) to calm your nervous system.Reconnect quickly with repair: apology, physical affection, and clarifying the real problem.Scripts you can use“I’m getting really overwhelmed right now. I need a few minutes to calm down so I don’t react. I’ll come back and talk.”“My anxious attachment is triggered — I’m going to pause and process this so I can be present with you.”After: “I’m sorry I got reactive. Here’s what I was feeling and what I learned about my reaction…”Who this episode is for Anyone who wants to stop the same fights from repeating, learn how to self-regulate, and show up as their most connected self in relationship.If you found this helpful, please subscribe, leave a review, and share with a friend who needs this reminder: you can learn to pause, not panic. Want the worksheet for PAUSE → REFLECT → REGULATE → RECONNECT → REPAIR? DM me or visit my link in the show notes.Links and Resources:Get my free Guide: Calming Your Anxious AttachmentLinktree to all things happening now: https://linktr.ee/takingbackherbrainLet’s Connect:Follow me on instagram: @anxiousattachmentsolutionFollow me on Facebook: Anxious Attachment Solution Life Coach AmberFollow me on substack: @takingbacherbraincoachingEmail me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com for a free one hour consultation
Your Partner doesn't have to get on the Rollercoaster, to love you (00:22:49)
Welcome back to The Anxious Attachment Solution. I’m your host, Life Coach Amber Lynn.In this episode, I want to expand on something I said before—you don’t need your partner to ride the emotional roller coaster with you. I want to be clear: my work is for those in relationships with partners who care, show up, and want to build something healthy with you. Never use my podcast to justify staying in unhealthy or harmful relationships.So many of us with anxious attachment never stopped to question what love really means to us. We inherited stories about love—from family, society, or rom-coms—without consciously deciding if we even like those stories. These invisible “manuals” often tell us love means our partner should know how we feel, should make us feel better, and should anticipate our needs without us communicating them.But these “shoulds” are clues from our anxious brain. It tells us:“If they really cared, they’d know.”“If they loved me, they’d never upset me.”“If they cared, they’d fix my feelings.”These thoughts create unhuman expectations—for them and for us. When they can’t meet them, our brain makes it mean we’re unloved or unsafe. But the truth is, love and safety come from within us. No one can make us believe we’re loved until we’ve healed the fear of abandonment that distorts how we see love.When I look back, I see how my anxious brain made small things into big problems. I overgave, overanalyzed, and took every critique as rejection. I didn’t realize my reactions came from what my brain made things mean—not what my partner actually did.Now I understand the brain: when our amygdala (the reactive part) takes over, our thinking brain goes offline. We enter fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The work is learning to calm the amygdala, bring our prefrontal cortex back online, and regulate ourselves.You are responsible for your emotions and your partner is responsible for theirs. They don’t have to go on your emotional roller coaster. They can love you without having to fix your triggers. The more you learn to self-soothe, the less pressure there is on your relationship.When you process your triggers and offer yourself compassion, you stop needing constant reassurance. You become your own secure base—your own source of validation and calm.Remember: you are worthy, you are lovable, and your relationship doesn’t have to be perfect to be healthy. Love is not about perfection—it’s about two humans growing, healing, and choosing love on purpose.Links and Resources:Get my free Guide: Calming Your Anxious AttachmentLinktree to all things happening now: https://linktr.ee/takingbackherbrainLet’s Connect:Follow me on instagram: @anxiousattachmentsolutionFollow me on Facebook: Anxious Attachment Solution Life Coach AmberFollow me on substack: @takingbacherbraincoachingEmail me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com for a free one hour consultation
Your Partner Doesn't Have to be on the Roller Coaster with You to Love You (00:22:49)
Welcome back to The Anxious Attachment Solution. I’m your host, Life Coach Amber Lynn.In this episode, I want to expand on something I said before—you don’t need your partner to ride the emotional roller coaster with you. I want to be clear: my work is for those in relationships with partners who care, show up, and want to build something healthy with you. Never use my podcast to justify staying in unhealthy or harmful relationships.So many of us with anxious attachment never stopped to question what love really means to us. We inherited stories about love—from family, society, or rom-coms—without consciously deciding if we even like those stories. These invisible “manuals” often tell us love means our partner should know how we feel, should make us feel better, and should anticipate our needs without us communicating them.But these “shoulds” are clues from our anxious brain. It tells us:“If they really cared, they’d know.”“If they loved me, they’d never upset me.”“If they cared, they’d fix my feelings.”These thoughts create unhuman expectations—for them and for us. When they can’t meet them, our brain makes it mean we’re unloved or unsafe. But the truth is, love and safety come from within us. No one can make us believe we’re loved until we’ve healed the fear of abandonment that distorts how we see love.When I look back, I see how my anxious brain made small things into big problems. I overgave, overanalyzed, and took every critique as rejection. I didn’t realize my reactions came from what my brain made things mean—not what my partner actually did.Now I understand the brain: when our amygdala (the reactive part) takes over, our thinking brain goes offline. We enter fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The work is learning to calm the amygdala, bring our prefrontal cortex back online, and regulate ourselves.You are responsible for your emotions and your partner is responsible for theirs. They don’t have to go on your emotional roller coaster. They can love you without having to fix your triggers. The more you learn to self-soothe, the less pressure there is on your relationship.When you process your triggers and offer yourself compassion, you stop needing constant reassurance. You become your own secure base—your own source of validation and calm.Remember: you are worthy, you are lovable, and your relationship doesn’t have to be perfect to be healthy. Love is not about perfection—it’s about two humans growing, healing, and choosing love on purpose.📩 Work With MeYou don’t have to do this work alone! ✨ Schedule a FREE 1-hour consultation → amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com ✨ Join my 12-week coaching program to stop your anxious attachment cycle, build confidence, and finally feel secure in your relationships and life.Links and Resources:Get my free Guide: Calming Your Anxious AttachmentLinktree to all things happening now: https://linktr.ee/takingbackherbrainLet’s Connect:Follow me on instagram: @anxiousattachmentsolutionFollow me on Facebook: Anxious Attachment Solution Life Coach AmberFollow me on substack: @takingbacherbraincoachingEmail me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com for a free one hour consultation
Self Soothing 101: The Importance of Self Regulation: Do this BEFORE you Text them (00:25:12)
When your anxious attachment is triggered, your body panics and your brain spins stories like, “They’re going to leave” or “I’m not enough.” It feels real, but it’s not a real threat — it’s your nervous system asking for regulation.Self-regulation means calming your body before reacting, before texting, before spiraling. When you pause, breathe, and comfort yourself first, your brain learns that emotions are safe to feel. The goal isn’t to stop feeling — it’s to stop believing every anxious thought.Your panic is the cue to pause, not act. Ask yourself: – Am I in the present or in a story from the past? – What am I making this mean? – What do I need to feel safe right now?Regulate your body — breathe, splash cold water, journal, walk, or wrap yourself in a blanket. Then talk to yourself kindly: “It’s okay that I feel this way. My brain is just triggered. I can feel this and still be safe.”This work isn’t about becoming hyper-independent — it’s about self-trust. When you soothe yourself first, you show your brain you’re capable of handling discomfort without needing immediate validation.Remember: Trigger → Big Emotion → Pause → Self-Regulate → Self-Compassion → Thought Work → ReconnectYou don’t need to act on panic to feel secure. You can hold space for your feelings, regulate your nervous system, and choose peace before you text them.“The power is in the pause — regulate before you react, because your safety starts with you.”📩 Work With MeYou don’t have to do this work alone! ✨ Schedule a FREE 1-hour consultation → amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com ✨ Join my 12-week coaching program to stop your anxious attachment cycle, build confidence, and finally feel secure in your relationships and life.Links and Resources:Get my free Guide: Calming Your Anxious AttachmentLinktree to all things happening now: https://linktr.ee/takingbackherbrainLet’s Connect:Follow me on instagram: @anxiousattachmentsolutionFollow me on Facebook: Anxious Attachment Solution Life Coach AmberFollow me on substack: @takingbacherbraincoachingEmail me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com for a free one hour consultation
Why You’re Not “Too Much”: The Truth About Anxious Attachment (00:23:59)
If you’ve ever been told you’re “too much”—too needy, too emotional, too sensitive—this episode is for you. In today’s episode, I’m breaking down the real reason you feel too much and believe it, why this belief keeps you stuck in the anxious attachment cycle, and how you can finally change it.We’ll explore how this “too much” belief shows up in dating, relationships, and everyday life—often leading to overthinking, people-pleasing, defensiveness, or shutting down. And I’ll teach you the first step in rewiring your brain so you can calm your nervous system, trust yourself, and confidently show up as the person you want to be.Key TakeawaysYou are not too much — you just have an unmanaged anxious attachment cycle.Feeling “too much” is learned from past experiences and repeated thoughts that became a belief.This belief fuels fear, self-doubt, people-pleasing, emotional reactivity, and low self-worth.Your thoughts create your feelings → your feelings drive your actions → your actions create your results.You can interrupt this cycle by using The Secure Method:🧠 Thought Work in ActionTo rewire your brain, start with thought ladders:Current thought: “I am too much.”Bridge thoughts to practice:“I am not too much for my people.”“Some people will love me for who I am.”“I have anxious attachment and I am enough.”Secure thought to aim for: “I am enough. I am worthy.”Practice these thoughts daily—on sticky notes, alarms, or journaling—to build new beliefs over time.🛠️ Practical Steps to TryNotice & Name Your Cycle:What triggers you?What anxious thoughts come up?How do they make you feel?What actions do you take (or avoid)?What result does this create?Pause Before Reacting: Validate your feelings, offer yourself kindness, and ask:“What do I need right now to feel safe?”Practice Secure Thoughts: Use thought ladders to slowly teach your brain new beliefs.❤️ RememberYou are NOT your anxious attachment.You are not “too much.”You can rewire your brain and create secure, healthy habits in relationships.You are worthy, lovable, and enough—exactly as you are.📩 Work With MeYou don’t have to do this work alone! ✨ Schedule a FREE 1-hour consultation → amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com ✨ Join my 12-week coaching program to stop your anxious attachment cycle, build confidence, and finally feel secure in your relationships and life.Links and Resources:Get my free Guide: Calming Your Anxious AttachmentLinktree to all things happening now: https://linktr.ee/takingbackherbrainLet’s Connect:Follow me on instagram: @anxiousattachmentsolutionFollow me on Facebook: Anxious Attachment Solution Life Coach AmberFollow me on substack: @takingbacherbraincoachingEmail me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com for a free one hour consultation
Do I have Anxious Attachment? 10 Signs to know Part 2 (00:29:13)
Welcome to the Anxious Attachment Solution Podcast with Life Coach Amber Lynn If you’ve ever wondered “Do I really have anxious attachment?”—this series is for you. Today I’m diving into part two of 10 signs you might have anxious attachment and what you can do to break free from these patterns.✨ In this episode you’ll learn:Why anxious attachment makes you feel like you can never rest (hypervigilance)How people-pleasing and taking everything personally keeps you stuckThe truth about self-worth, low self-esteem, and rewriting the story your brain tells youWhy avoiding conflict creates more conflict and resentment—and how to handle it differentlyWhat to do when you feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough” in relationshipsHow to stop riding the emotional rollercoaster and start regulating your nervous systemThe difference between reality and the “stories” your anxious brain makes up during conflictHow to begin building self-trust and trust in relationships💡 Key Takeaways:Hypervigilance doesn’t protect you—it keeps you disconnected from the present moment.People-pleasing is actually self-protection, but it costs you your authenticity.Self-worth isn’t fixed; it’s built thought by thought.Conflict doesn’t mean danger—it’s an opportunity for growth when handled with awareness.Your anxious attachment is not you—it’s a set of habits you can rewire.📌 Try This:Next time you catch yourself scanning for signs something is “wrong,” pause and ask: “Am I future-tripping or am I present?”When facing conflict, ask yourself: “What is my brain making this mean? What is my partner actually saying?”Start practicing new thoughts on purpose to create secure self-worth.✨ Remember: You are inherently worthy. You are not too much. You are not your anxious attachment.📩 Want to go deeper? I offer a 12-week 1:1 coaching program designed to help you rewire your brain, calm your nervous system, and create the secure relationships you deserve. Schedule a free 1-hour consultation—whether you’re curious about coaching or just want a sample session.👉 Email me at amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com with your questions or topics you’d love to hear covered on the podcast.Links and Resources:Get my free Guide: Calming Your Anxious Attachment Free 4 day video Training Being YOU doesn’t have to be scaryLinktree to all things happening now: https://linktr.ee/takingbackherbrainLet’s Connect:Follow me on instagram: @anxiousattachmentsolutionFollow me on Facebook: Anxious Attachment Solution Life Coach AmberFollow me on substack: @takingbacherbraincoachingShare your thoughts and experiences with the hashtag #anxiousattachmentsolution and tag @anxiousattachmentsolutionEmail me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com for a free one hour consultation
Do I Have Anxious Attachment? 10 Signs to Know For Sure Part 1 (00:25:51)
This is part one of a two-part series where I share 10 signs of anxious attachment and what you can do to start creating more secure relationships.✨ In this episode, we’ll cover:The fear of abandonment—why it feels so real and how to pause before panic takes overOverthinking—why replaying conversations and “what-ifs” keeps you stuck in anxietyConstant reassurance seeking—how it sabotages trust in yourself and your relationshipsThe hidden beliefs behind these patterns (not being good enough, being “too much”)Tools to calm your nervous system when your anxious attachment is triggeredHow to begin rewriting your self-worth and love narratives so you can feel safe in relationships💡 Key Takeaways:Your brain is wired to tell stories rooted in fear—but you can learn to separate facts from anxious thoughts.Seeking reassurance may feel soothing, but it weakens self-trust. True safety comes from learning to regulate yourself.Overthinking and perfectionism are not signs of unworthiness—they’re signals that your anxious attachment is in the driver’s seat.With awareness and practice, you can teach your brain and body to become a safe place for all of your emotions.📌 Try This:Next time you feel fear of abandonment or panic: pause, take a sip of cold water, and label the sensation in your body before reacting.Write down your thoughts (a thought download) and separate facts from the “story” your brain is making up.Practice new self-talk: instead of “I’m not enough”, try “I feel fear AND I am capable of holding it. My worth is inherent.”✨ Remember: You are not broken. You are not too much. You are not stuck in anxious attachment forever. With the right tools, you can rewire your brain and create secure, loving relationships.📩 Work with Me: I offer a 12-week 1:1 coaching program using my Secure Method, where I help you calm your nervous system, rewire your thoughts, and step into healthier relationship habits.👉 Schedule a free 1-hour consultation—whether you want to explore coaching or just experience a sample session. 📧 Email me at amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com with your questions or podcast topic requests.Links and Resources:Get my free Guide: Calming Your Anxious Attachment Free 4 day video Training Being YOU doesn’t have to be scaryLinktree to all things happening now: https://linktr.ee/takingbackherbrainLet’s Connect:Follow me on instagram: @anxiousattachmentsolutionFollow me on Facebook: Anxious Attachment Solution Life Coach AmberFollow me on substack: @takingbacherbraincoachingShare your thoughts and experiences with the hashtag #anxiousattachmentsolution and tag @anxiousattachmentsolutionEmail me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com for a free one hour consultation
From Anxious to Aware: Welcome to Anxious Attachment Solution – Your Healing Starts Here (00:15:41)
Hello and Welcome to Anxious Attachment Solution Your Healing Starts Here. I am your host Life Coach Amber Lynn. Today I am beginning a Series on Anxious to Aware. In this series my goal is to help you build awareness around your anxious attachment so that you can heal, repair, and move forward with a new mindset and new habits.For those of you who are new to the show, welcome. I am life coach Amber Lynn- I have dealt with Anxious Attachment the majority of my life before I even knew what to call it. I just knew that I had a hard time in relationships, I had big emotions, I wanted to communicate well, but no matter what I did I didn’t feel good enough AND I felt like I was too much. I learned about codependency and attachment styles and became a certified Life Coach through the Life Coach School and now I used the understanding of the brain, our thoughts, emotions- to relate it to anxious attachment. I created this podcast to share my journey of using thought work and mindset work to heal my anxious attachment. On this podcast I share my personal journey and the journey I have supported clients on. I use this podcast as a way to teach about our brain, emotions and human responses in regard to people with anxious attachment. So if you are going through something personally and you want help- send me an email, I will reply. I might even create a podcast to share how I would support myself through the journey, challenge or obstacle you are facing. My email again is AmberLynn@takingbackherbrain.com.I work with clients who are not even sure if I have anxious attachment or if this work is for me. So I tell them if any of the following applies to you and your life, I can help you: Do you have fear of Abandonment, overthink, have a constant need for reassurance, always looking for red flags, never feel good enough, always people please before asking for what you want, feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster, have a hard time trusting people, feel like you are too much or too needy, sometimes confuse anxiety with feelings of love then this podcast is for you:From Anxious to Aware- I teach my clients how awareness is the foundation to any change. If any of this resonates with you and you want to make a change then you are in the right place. First thing you have to do before you can get to the “HOW do I change it, WHAT do I do”- You have to know what an anxious attachment cycle or trigger looks like for you. What does it sound like for you? When does it show up for you?
Why Is This So Hard?! Things Anxiously Attached People Struggle With" (00:16:57)
We have to learn to simultaneously talk back to our brain to tell it to hush and listen to what the other person is saying. Recognize the feelings that start to come up.If you need time to process what was said because your emotions are too high- ask for some time to think about what they said. Questions to ask yourself“Why is what they are saying making me feel ( judged, criticized, or not good enough) ?”“What is my brain making this mean?”This is a story my brain is telling me- but is it actual fact? Is this what they are actually saying? Most likely it is not. Do a thought download - write it all outThey said words, these words made me feel, I feel this way because This will reveal to you the story that your brain is telling you- this will reveal the real reason why you feel an urgency, or a panic, or defensive, or whatever uncomfortable emotion it may be for youListening is often hard for us with anxious attachment because we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect in a relationship so hearing anything short of Positive, Affirmations- cause our brain to panic and look for red flags- aka hypervigilance. Our brain has been wired to scanning for danger “emotional dangers” - scan, scan, scan for any potential problem- this is the problem because it often makes problems where there are not. Since we have this deep rooted fear of abandonment or rejection it is beneath it all. We have to practice grounded ourselves in the moments and not in the “potential fears” of anxious attachment.When we are constantly putting pressure on ourselves to do everything right and be hyper-attuned to other’s needs in relationships it keeps our nervous system in a constant state of survival and over functioning. Causing us to have a hard time with clear and transparent communication, causing us to overthink, be anxious and always on edge. This will probably end up being an entirely separate podcast because the pressure to be perfect and anticipate others needs is another habit that actually causes strain on our relationships.Our brain learned to do this when we were younger as a means for survival. This used to be a very helpful thing to us and now we are growing up and want to do more than just survive. We want to live and be present in our relationships with other people.So when you discover what your brain is making their words mean- this is not the time to beat yourself up more for being a person with anxious attachment or for being “broken” this is the time to show yourself compassion and really validate your feelings.You can validate your fears without believing them, You can validate your pressure without believing the story your brain is telling you. You can show yourself compassion and you can even allow yourself to be frustrated that listening is so hard right now. I want you to know listening and communicating will get better, it will get easier. When you learn how to stop putting so much pressure on yourself, when you learn how to talk back to your brain, and calm your nervous system so that it stops scanning for dangers- it does get easier. You will be able to listen.When my brain wants to start making my wife’s words mean something- I now say can we listen to her words first before you tell me what you think about it. I remind myself that I am safe to hear words. I am safe to hear her words. I am capable of hearing what she has to say. I don’t have to make it mean more than what she says. You will be able to develop listening skills. You will be able to hear words that make you feel like you are the problem and then you will be able to turn it around and really hear what the other person is saying- it just takes awareness and practice, practice.
Yes, You REALLY Can Rewire Your Anxious Attachment! (00:20:45)
The difference between therapy and life coaching to me is that Life Coaching helps you with your current thoughts and beliefs and helps you in a different way than therapy. Life Coaching is future focused and helps a lot with processing emotions while teaching in the moment strategy for what to do when your anxious attachment is triggered. I do believe Life Coaches who have experienced Anxious Attachment can help support you in getting the results that you want in your life if they too have done the work and are able to share with you actual steps to get you where you want to go.I also do believe that if someone is trying to sell you quick fixes, that it is a problem. I do not believe there are any magic tricks or quick “healing” that can magically rid your nervous system of its triggers or reprogram your responses to those triggers. However, I do believe that small and quick strategies can start changing things right away. I do believe Life Coaching offers you understanding, strategy and real life skills that help you start implementing things right away. When we do the work of Self Awareness, Thoughtwork and we practice new reactions and coping mechanisms on purpose we accelerate our transformation, we accelerate our development of new habits, new coping strategies, and we begin to feel more secure.I am here to tell you that thoughtwork is not a magic pill but it is a skill that will get you so much closer to where you want to be in life and in relationships. I see thought work as the strategy or the skill I used to develop mental and emotional health, mental and emotional balance, the strategy I use to sooth and calm my anxious attachment when it is triggered. I created this podcast as a person with Anxious attachment who uses Life Coaching Skills and tools, like thoughtwork and the anxious attachment cycle to soothe my anxious attachment and create new habits with purpose and intention and to show you all how I do this, so that you too can do the same. So my answer is Yes I do believe you can really rewire your anxious attachment, I really do believe that you can create new habits when your anxious attachment is triggered. I do not believe that we have to be forever a victim to our anxious attachment. I do not believe anyone is too far gone, too anxiously attached, too broken, too anything to do this work. I believe that every person who wants to do this work, who has the smallest desire to make a change, who has the “want” to change their habits and their thought patterns is capable of doing it. I believe that every human is capable of the change they wish to see in themselves. That is why I do this podcast, that is why I started a coaching program- because I remember not believing in myself. I remember thinking it is always going to be like this. I remember not believing that I could change.What is holding you back right now is simple, it is the thoughts you are currently thinking. It is the “story” you keep telling yourself. I also will be hosting a 5 day Anxious Attachment Boot Camp in June. June 24 through June 28th. I will be going live on zoom, teaching and coaching about Anxious Attachment and how to rewire your brain to get the relationship you want. My live coaching will be at 10:00 am pacific standard time, I would love for you to joining and come LIVE. Trust me- YOU do not want to miss this free boot camp. Email me at Amber Lynn @takingbackherbrain.com Anxious Attachment Boot Camp, follow me on Instagram at anxious attachment solution and DM me Boot Camp- to get on the wait list now. You will not want to miss this opportunity. Thank you so much for joining me on today's Podcast. Go do the work, it is with you. I believe in YOU!
Stop Seeking Validation from other People: Obstacle 4 of Anxious Attachment (00:31:41)
Before we jump to the practicing new thoughts: We have to do phase 1 self awareness- you first have to know the thoughts that you have now about yourself and love, your self and reassurance, your thoughts about conditional love. So get a piece of paper write it downWhat are all the thoughts I think about me and my ability to be loved? What are all of my thoughts about love and my self worth? Why am I not worthy of love? Now Why am I worthy of love?When you get these thoughts down write a T next to each thought you find bring up BIG feelings, next to that thought write F: how does this feeling make you feel? Write that feelingWhat feeling do you notice the most in this narrative? Now what do you do when you feel this feeling?Now phase 2:What feeling do you want to feel when it comes to relationships? What would you have to believe to feel that way? What would you have to think to believe that? What feeling do you want to have about your selfworth? What would you have to believe to feel that way? What would you have to think to believe that?From thoughtwork to strategyWhen you are in the moment and you are not sure if you are seeking validation- ask yourself why am I doing this? What am I trying to get out of this? Is that what I actually need? What if I could get this from myself what would that look like?Often times we need validation in the middle of an argument, or in the middle of “something” that has triggered our anxious attachment, we have been programmed to believe that we need someone or something outside of ourselves to feel better. I teach my clients how to do this for themselves.How to ask ourselves what do we really need? How can I get this from me? Am I trying to prove my worth? Am I trying to prove something? Am I seeking comfort outside of myself because my brain is telling me I can’t hand these uncomfortable emotions or possible fear?This is why us with anxious attachment really need to go listen to feeling uncomfortable feelings episode again- because I am TELLING YOU even though it terrifies you. Our work is in the ability to feel safe with our emotions. Feeling secure no matter what emotions we have. If we can grow our capacity to feel uncomfortable emotions we would find ourselves less inclined to seek external validation. If we could comfort ourselves, create security and safety within ourselves we would be able to decrease our dependency on other people for our emotional regulation. If you want help doing this work email me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com and schedule your free one hour consultation.if you have questions, email me, I will answer your questions when I can. If you know you are ready to do this work, then what are you waiting for? Email me, Right now in April I have 6 open spots for my 1:1 coaching program- so don’t wait.If you are not yet on my email list email me or find my instagram at Anxious Attachment solution and get on my email list.In June I am going to be doing an Anxious Attachment Bootcamp Facebook pop up group where I will be meeting with you for an hour every day for 5 days to help you kick your anxious attachment habits to the curb.Go get on my email list, you don’t want to miss the things I am going to be doing this summer. Also if you listen to my podcast and you are enjoying it or learning something from it can you please like it, and rate it- it helps get my podcast out to more women.
4 Obstacles of Anxious Attachment: Fear of Abandonment- Don't let fear control you (00:32:21)
Hello and Welcome to Anxious Attachment Solution! On today's podcast I am going to be continuing a series on breaking down the 4 obstacles of Anxious Attachment with obstacle number 3, the Fear of AbandonmentIn the last episode, episode 40, I taught Obstacle 2 Uncomfortable Emotions. I taught about why learning how to feel hard emotions is the key to soothing our anxious attachment triggers, and how having a small capacity to feel uncomfortable emotions leads us to such BIG reactions when our feelings feel out of control or overwhelming. So if you didn’t get a chance to hear it go check it out. If you missed Episode 39, Obstacle 1: Overthinking, then you definitely need to go back and listen to that one too, because I help you understand what overthinking looks like with anxious attachment and how to stop it.Today I am going to be talking about Obstacle number 3 of Anxious Attachment: The deep rooted fear of Abandonment. I am going to be talking about how this fear is created and why understanding how this fear works will change your life.Before we begin I do a lot of brain management work with the concept that my thoughts create my feelings, so as I share these teachings remember that this concept is the lens through which I teach.If you want to learn more about how you can overcome these four obstacles of anxious attachment sign up for a free one hour consultation call with me. If you have been following me for a while now and you are ready to get started with my 1:1 coaching program so that we can help you rewrite your narrative and develop your skill to feel uncomfortable emotions without overreacting then email me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com and let’s get started, I can’t wait to see how much this work will change your life.If you haven’t yet please like and subscribe to the podcast it really helps my podcast reach more women. If you could rate this podcast on apple and spotify I would truly appreciate it as that too helps expand its reach. Thank you so much for listening to my podcast and I want you to know your future self is thanking you for taking the time in your busy life to do this work because they know how important it is for your future and for your relationships in your life. If you haven’t already, follow me on instagram at anxiousattachmentsolution! Can’t wait to see you over there. Now go feel uncomfortable emotions and message me on IG and tell me about your experience doing this work. I would love to support you through this process while creating a community of women who are doing this work.
The 4 Obstacles of Anxious Attachment: Uncomfortable Emotions (00:25:11)
Hello and Welcome! On today's podcast I am going to be continuing a series on breaking down the 4 obstacles of Anxious Attachment: Overthinking, Feeling Uncomfortable Emotions, Fear of Abandonment and Seeking Validation Last episode 39 was about overthinking so if you didn’t get a chance to hear it go check it out.Today I want to talk about Uncomfortable emotions and why they trigger us with anxious attachment so much and how understanding the impact of uncomfortable emotions will help you take care of your anxious attachment and soothe your nervous system.When I use the term uncomfortable emotions: I refer to rejection, fear of not being liked, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, disappointment, any feeling that you can not sit with, without taking action or without shutting down. I also use uncomfortable emotions to refer to the feeling of urgency- that we feel when we are consumed by a lot of negative emotions- urgency is often felt when our anxious attachment is triggered and we feel the primal panic of we have to hurry and do something now. For example most of us right now are not able to sit with the feeling of urgency and do nothing, most of us can not stand to feel any form of rejection without trying to do something to “prove our worth” or seek out validation or connection, most of us can not just process and sit with anxiety, we either take action to feel better or we shut down and shut people out.Processing your emotions allows you to experience different situations without so much fear, anxiety, it allows you to slow down and stop being so reactive. Learning how to feel and handle hard emotions allows you to comfort yourself and stop needing to reach out to others for comfort, validation or approval.Since we do not have the skill to sit with these uncomfortable feelings because they activate our anxious attachment cycle- and sometimes activate our primal panic we feel that we have to hurry up and do something now because our brain has told us that we are in danger and it feels like we are going to die (even though we know we won’t die our brain is receiving all of these alerts like hey hey we are in danger do something now) so we have gotten into the habit of hurry up through emotions and taking actions without sitting with emotions and seeing where they are coming from.We feel anxiety, we feel panic, we feel fear and our brain is like Oh Shit… get us out of here right now! (Literally freaks the f out) So we reach out to our partner,our ex, our friend, our coworker, we seek validation, we seek connection, or instead we shut down and close people off because we think that by doing this we will protect ourselves from further pain.
The 4 Obstacles of Anxious Attachment: Overthinking (00:19:30)
On today's podcast I am going to be introducing a three week series on breaking down the 4 obstacles of Anxious Attachment. In these episodes I am going to talk about the 4 major obstacles I have noticed that people with anxious attachment have and how to overcome them using thoughtwork and learning how to develop the skill of feeling hard emotions. As I really reflect on my life with anxious attachment I see these 4 obstacles over and over again. They are what keep coming up,they are why I am so thankful for the tools I have learned to manage my mind and be aware of my thoughts. They are what I need to know how to process and manage because if I don’t they can make little problems in relationships into big problems.The first obstacle that occurs often when my anxious attachment is activated is overthinking of anxious filled thoughts, obsessive thoughts, that are most often are negative creating a lot of uncomfortable emotions. The second obstacle is the inability to feel the uncomfortable feelings these thoughts produce, such as fear of rejection or abandonment, overwhelm, and stress. Bringing me to the third obstacle our deep fear of abandonment, the fear that someone is going to leave, or reject us. Our fear of not being loveable and being left, is such a deep fear for people with anxious attachment that when we feel these emotions we don’t feel safe, our brain tells us that we are not emotionally safe and have to take action now to ensure that we stay safe. This inability to feel intense uncomfortable emotions often creates an urgency to hurry up and react to a situation. Which leads us to the final obstacle, the need for external validation, the need for other’s approval or praise to feel good enough, to feel loved, to feel secure, to feel seen or valued. So to recap, the 4 main obstacles people with anxious attachment encounter are overthinking, inability to feel uncomfortable emotions without taking action, fear of abandonment, and seeking external validation. This is why it is so important for us with anxious attachment to know what our brain is telling us, why self awareness isn’t optional it is imperative. We have to be aware of what our brain is telling us because these thoughts will run or ruin our relationships if they cause all these emotions undetected. Lack of self awareness is not a luxury we are entitled to.If we do not know what our anxious attachment cycle looks like. If we do not know that it is our thoughts that are creating these intense emotions and fears. If we are not aware of our thoughts- we will think it is the triggering event that is causing the problem. We will think our partner is the problem. We will put blame in the wrong place and we will not problem solve for the effective solution.If I was not aware of my anxious attachment cycle, if I was not aware that my thoughts create my feelings, If I was not aware of all of my anxious thoughts if I was not able to know the difference between what thoughts are true and what thoughts my brain just likes to tell me when these events happen. I would have blamed my feelings on my partner communicating her feelings. I would have made this misunderstanding about her not understanding me, and either made her reaction to what happened the problem or made me the problem by in agreeing with all the mean thoughts my brain is telling me. To put it simply- when we don’t understand our anxious attachment cycle, when we are not aware of our thoughts- we make problems bigger than they are- we place blame where it doesn’t belong and we justify or get defensive instead of getting curious.
Anxious Attachment Doing Things Differently (00:24:31)
People ask me Amber what is life coaching? I think of it as mental and emotional maintenance, where you learn mental and emotional tools and strategies to transform your life. its learning and unlearning thought patterns that are keeping you stuck, so that you can get unstuck and get the life that you want. It’s learning how to feel and process uncomfortable emotions so that your emotions don’t control you but you control them. People ask me what do you get from life coaching? Why should I pay money and join your program? I tell them they should only join my program if they are ready to do the work, only if they are ready for their life to change from the inside out, only if they want to do the work to get emotional and mental freedom.I share my personal experience, I tell them learning life coaching skills and concepts, being coached and really understanding my brain patterns and the emotions they caused changed my life, saved my life- and it can do the same for them. The value of life coaching to me as someone with anxious attachment, anxiety, and depression is higher quality of life - mentally and emotionally. The value is being able to live in a body that can grow its capacity to feel hard emotions without being reactive or demanding. The value of life coaching is learning that even though my brain tells me one thing, doesn’t make it true. The value of life coaching is learning to choose your life, choosing how you want to show up in it, learning what that looks like in real time. Learning about the brain, self regulation, understanding my emotional reaction, being aware of inner thoughts and dialogue that are creating your current life.Amber you don’t understand I am so busy. Aren’t we all? For me it is worth making the time in my busy schedule to be coached, to listen to podcasts and to join coaching programs. The time I spend in those spaces reduces the time spent in mental and emotional overwhelm and stress. The skills that I have learned have helped me manage all of the things that life throws at you, while already dealing with so much internally: anxiety, depression, low self esteem. To me, learning the ability to manage my thoughts in the moment so that I can turn the turmoil into peace, turn the chaos into understanding, is worth the time and the financial investment.I come from a family where mental health challenges are frequent and can become severe and truly impact the quality of life so I wanted to make sure that I took care of my mental health. I wanted to do the work to heal, to understand why I do the things I do, why emotions are so hard, why I never felt good enough, why after all I have done and did I still couldn’t just love myself- and I found life coaching and it was the mental and emotional freedom train I was looking for. Doing the hard and good work changed my life and I know it can change yours too.What if you are busy AND you can make time for something that will change your life? What if you are busy AND one hour of your life a week can truly change it?What if it does cost money AND the money spent is an investment into your future self who is able to handle her emotions, who is able to stop her over thinking, who is able to truly believe she is lovable? Who would you be if you were able to process your emotions? Stop your overthinking? Stop people pleasing? And truly believe you are worthy?
Anxious Attachment Urgency to do Something Now. (00:24:52)
During these situations - I believed my feelings were true, If I have this feeling it must be true, it must mean I have to reach out- I must have to connect with them- I must really really love them. I really won’t be able to live without them. The hard part about “trusting our gut or our feelings” as anxiously attached people- is that we have to clarify is this my gut, my intuition or is this fear because of my anxious attachment?You see our anxious attachment can be triggered or activated in situations where we think something is going wrong, where we think people are going to reject us or abandon us or not like us- and especially during breakups. And definitely a breakup because it is our brain's biggest fear coming true - someone is actually rejecting us and leaving us. Here is the tricky part- we don’t always hear our brain going to this worst case scenario sometimes they are just covered up by thoughts like: “ they don’t like me” “I am not good enough” “ See I knew I was too much” I am too needy” - however these thoughts all lead to our biggest fear thoughts: They won’t stay, they are going to leave. They don’t love me- When I am working with women who experience this primal panic- this urgency to do something now- they tell me I want to just not reach out, I want to not feel crazy when I don’t reach out-So what I hear them saying is they feel crazy when their emotions are high, and their brain is consumed with anxious thoughts that make them want to reach out. They don’t want to reach out in a “needy” way.Before I teach you these concepts I want you to keep in mind as I teach these concepts separately they are simultaneously happening at once. So much is happening at one time inside of our body when we feel this intense urge to do something- half why we feel crazy is because so much input into our brain and nervous system at one time.I will do my best to break it down- but know when our anxious attachment is triggered we have a lot of things happening at once: So I teach them a few concepts:I teach them about this intense feeling called Primal Panic and where it comes from.I teach them that all feelings are true but the thoughts creating them are not always true.I teach them about their thought cycle- and how the thoughts they are thinking right now, are creating more fear on top of their primal panicI teach them about the Urge Cycle and how our brain is seeking immediate relief.
Anxious Attachment Game Changer (00:23:51)
So to recapWhen you get triggered- when you start to have a big emotional reaction- because of someone’s thoughts or behavior write it outWhat happened?What am I making it mean- about me, about my relationship?How does that make me feel?Is it true? Is it reality?Other tools and strategies:A thought download- write all your unfiltered thoughts down for 2-3 minutes. What happened, write it all down. Pull out one thought, how does that thought make you feel? What does it make you want to do? If you do that, what result will you get? Ask yourself, is this thought serving me? Is this belief serving me? If not, what am I getting when I choose to believe it? Thank you for listening. Please remember to share this podcast with your friend. If you found it useful or helpful in any way, I would truly appreciate it if you could like and rate it- this helps it get out to more women who could benefit from the information of this podcast. I want to offer you to come and do this work with me in my one on one coaching program. If you are interested or have any questions please email me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com you can also find me on instagram @anxiousattachmentsolution I look forward to hearing from you.
Creating the Belief that You Are Lovable (00:20:23)
To summarize- The thoughts we think often become beliefs. The thoughts we think also create our feelings. We have thoughts in our head that create our self concept and our belief of our lovability. Right now those thoughts could be telling us that we are not very lovable. So in order to stop believing that we have to create new thoughts on purpose and practice them in order to create new self beliefs, the belief you are lovable. Our brain does something called confirmation bias- where it looks for evidence to prove our thoughts true, so if you believe you are unloveable your brain will look for all the evidence to prove that you are unloveable. If you believe that you are lovable your brain will look for evidence to prove that you are loveable. That is why the questions we ask ourselves are powerful, because our brain is a problem solving machine and will offer us answers to the questions we present to it. Homework:Your anxious thoughts may be different from mine. So do a thought download. What are all the thoughts that come up for why you are not lovable? Write them down. What are all the thoughts about how lovable you are, write them down. What new thoughts do you want to believe? Write them down. Now pick two or three to practice this week. Each week add a new thought to your practice list. If you want help creating lovability, or you want to learn how to do thought work come work with me, have questions email me at amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com and set up a consultation call or dm me at TakingBackHerBrain
All Progress is not lost... combatting a mean brain (00:11:44)
I realized today that my brain has been extra mean to me lately and I have been less proactive in thinking thoughts about myself on purpose to neutralize my mean brain. The volume of my negative self thoughts had been getting louder and coming more often, worse I could see myself start to believe them again. My insecurities started getting louder- and I started getting quieter- I let my brain talk to me and I stopped talking back to my brain. My brain whispered “you aren’t good enough, you won’t reach that goal, it won’t last, you’re too much, that isn’t for you, you will never get out of debt, you will never have enough money”... such scarcity, such fear… such sadness followed these thoughts.Then I got angry with myself. I realized I felt shame and guilt and frustration for this experience- for believing my old thoughts- for allowing them to come on in again and stay for so long- I have worked so hard to develop a secure self worth, to increase my self confidence- and here it is just gone. My brain wanted to tell me that all my progress was gone, and that I was turning back into my past self.But I wasn’t.I can never go back to the person who didn’t know what I know now. Negative thought loops, negative self talk, and moments of regression can not take away the years of knowledge, wisdom, self compassion, self grace, and self development that I had created. I realized the thought “It’s happening again. You haven’t made any progress” Was a lie…It simply means I am still a human with a brain and a brain with anxious attachment. It simply means that I need to get back to managing my mind and creating thoughts on purpose. (See past me didn’t know what I know now) It simply meant that I had to also celebrate myself at this very moment. You see past me would have not known what to do, past self would have fallen deeper into depression and withdrawn instead of being aware of all the progress we have made and all that we now know- it would have just been consumed by these thoughts and feelings and let them take the wheel.Instead I realized I had stopped using my thoughtwork tools, I had stopped my brain maintenance, I had gotten so busy being busy that I had stopped doing the inner intentional work to build my self concept and neutralize my mean brain. So I just want to offer that if your brain is telling you that you have lost all your progress because some old thoughts have crept back in, or you are having more anxious attachment triggers, or anxiety is high, or depression is low, or life is life-ing, or you are just experiencing a human experience- remember that you can not go back to the person before-it is impossible- two steps backwards is not all progress lost- never is all progress lost.So back to the basics-If you want help getting back on track, or you want to learn how to do thought work email me at amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com and set up a consultation call or dm me at TakingBackHerBrain
5 Simple Steps to Stopping your Anxious Attachment Cycle (00:13:28)
5 Steps to stop this cycle You have to become an observer of your thoughts and feelings. What thoughts are you thinking, how do they make you feel?You have to grow your capacity to feel the intense emotions without taking action. This looks like naming the feeling in your body, where does it sit, how does it feel, while acknowledging how uncomfortable it is to sit with these feelings.You have to grow your capacity to feel the urgency to react and know that you are already safe and you can process these emotions before you react. This looks like practicing thoughts of “I am safe right now, my anxious attachment is triggered but I am safe, I feel the urgency and I do not have to do anything yet”You have to learn how to feel urgency and decide to pauseYou have to learn to give yourself compassion and love in this exact moment. This looks like acknowledging your anxious attachment has been triggered, validating your feelings because they are real for you right now in this moment and still deciding to pause and feel them. Creating safety with yourself. Letting yourself know that you are capable of feeling these overwhelming emotions and creating trust with yourself.
Success and Celebrations in turning 37 (00:15:31)
Do I still have goals and dreams I am working to achieve yes. Have a achieved them all-no, and to be honest I never will because I am a Life Long learner and doer, I will be forever making goals and accomplishing them, or changing paths- and I have come to love my rhythm. So I hope this podcast is a reminder to you that internal successes and celebrations ALSO Count. No one gets to decide what “Made it” - looks like, or sounds like except for you! You get to create your life. You get to define what MADE it looks like and sounds like. That is the best thing about thought work and life coaching- the worldly definitions, standards, expectations can all be DROPPED if you want them and you give yourself the space to CREATE the definitions YOU want, the standards you crave and the expectations you desire.This life is yours, you get to drop these timelines- these definitions of success and create your own. So what does it look like to you? What can you celebrate today? I urge you to practice celebrating yourself because I guarantee you don’t do it enough- and your brain train needs new rails to ride! Success train here we go! So go celebrate you!
The Cost of Dreams, Desires and Goals is FEAR... (00:16:00)
Our brain likes things that are familiar, that “Feel” safe- things that it already knows. So no matter what your goal, or dream is- if it is something “new” or “different” your brain is going to have a hard time adapting to it and it is NORMAL. Do not take this resistance as a signal to stop or that this is not for you- take this brain resistance as part of the process of doing and learning new things. Even things that aren’t necessarily good for us- but are familiar our brian will prefer- which shows you that not all fear is logical- not all fear is in our best interest. Fear of a bear is important, fear that rises from within late at night as you walk- these could be helpful fear that “keep you safe”But fear of failure, fear of being seen, and fear of rejection, fear that really comes from a place of insecurity and doubt- these fears are not fears that should stop you or hold you back. These fears need to be questioned and challenged.These fears are just brain wirings that need to be rewired, these fears are where are brain needs to grow in its capacity to feel hard and uncomfortable feelings and most importantly our brain needs to learn that even though we feel this way WE are still going to show up, and go after our dreams and our goals.Remember that it is a decision, we get to decide what we do when we feel this fear. Do we listen to it and decide to buffer through it and not show up. Do we ignore it and decide to make it mean that these dreams/goals are not for us. Or do we decide that we want these goals, dreams AND we comfort our body and these fears come up. These fears are going to come up because these insecure thoughts and doubts are going to come up.Just because these fears are here does not mean that your insecurities or doubts are FACT. aka true… it just means your brain already processed those thoughts and now you have these feelings.It is learning to challenge and question these doubts and insecurities instead of believing them. It is deciding to believe in yourself on purpose over and over again. It is believing that starting over again and again still gets you closer to success than giving up. It is knowing that this process, this journey is not going to be easy and without fear. It is truly knowing that giving into fear will keep you stuck. Giving into fear will keep you from all the things that you want in life. Giving into your insecurities will keep you small and safe, but at the cost of your dreams, your desires.So we get to decide if the cost is worth the prize/consolation. Is showing up when you are fearful over and over again worth getting your dream or accomplishing that goal? If you KNEW without a doubt that your dream was on the other side of this fear would you give into the fear and believe your doubts or would you walk with the fear and question your doubts?
